It’s possible! But you’ve got to do things right. Perfect children are made by walking a fine line between many mistakes.
1. First, properly deal with the crying. Refrain from always rushing to your child’s side when they’re crying. If you don’t refrain, they’ll learn that the best way to get what they want is through crying. This becomes a form of manipulation. So let the baby cry it out. But not all the time. If you don’t comfort your child enough, they might grow up to be a fearful, insecure, little creature who isn’t sure of your love. And you know where loveless teens turn. Yep, to drugs and alcohol.
2. Dress your children well. By well I mean not immaculate lest they become vain or develop a rebellious disregard for personal appearance. But don’t let them wear dirty or mismatched clothes either. Then they’ll never learn to dress professionally and they’ll end up collecting aluminum cans for a living.
3. Don’t do everything for your children or they won’t learn to do things for themselves. They’ll end up living in your home well into their forties. On the other hand, if you make them learn independence and self-reliance, they might never ask for help even if they really need it. They’ll sooner lie, steal, or go bankrupt than ask you for help.
4. Discipline is simple. Do it and the worst thing that can happen, aside from possibly getting arrested, is your child may break all your rules as soon as they’re out of your house. On the other hand, if your children aren’t discipled enough, they’ll have a hard time coping with authority, schedules, and jury summons.
5. Be the peacemaker when siblings are arguing. But not too much now or they’ll never learn to work things out for themselves. No interference at all might turn out children fighting tooth and nail to be first.
6. Be smart about strollers. Too much time in the stroller means no exploration for baby and a greater chance of obesity and lack of motivation. But if you let them walk, just be careful. They might run across a driveway without looking and at that very moment a car will back up and run them over. But don’t worry. They won’t die. They’ll probably just become an atheist quadriplegic and write books about how a good God would never let this happen to them.
7. Then there’s money. Whatever you do, don’t forget to talk to your kids about money. Silence on this subject results in the making of a government leech. Give them a budget and explain the value of money but don’t overemphasis cash. Otherwise you’ll make them Ebenezer Scrooges whose only goal in life was to penny-pinch and make a profit.
8. Beware the television! Too much T.V. leads to ADD and laziness and an inability to entertain oneself. But don’t withhold the boob tube either. Otherwise they might become a social wallflower, entirely ignorant of cultural references or social cues. Or, when freed from their television-less home, they might become a video game addict to make up for their lost screen time.
9. Homeschool? Absolutely. What are public schools anyway but organized chaos where no one learns anything anyway except where to get drugs and how to say “sex” a hundred different ways. Then again, if you homeschool your child, they might not learn how to cope with worldly peers, difficult teachers, or group projects. They might end up one of those social weirdoes.
See, it’s easy. You too can raise perfect children by following these simple guidelines. Control their lives properly and voila! A guaranteed trophy child who behaves well in restaurants and makes excellent choices as a teen.
Results may vary, although all results should be good if you are good enough yourself. Just make the right choices and those little blank slates will be nurtured to perfection, the kind of perfection that needs no grace.
If perchance you do everything right and still produce a prodigal son or miser or murderer or teen mom or, heaven forbid, a sinner, then regain control by cutting them out of your life. After all, we all know that God has no use for those sort of people.
Once you’ve severed your relationship with any foolish children, take a deep breath and remember that even God’s own family went astray. Look at what happened to the Adam and Eve or the Israelites. Keep yourself apart from them by casting the sinner out of your midst. Then when your righteousness gets you to Heaven, God will congratulate you. He’ll probably say, “What am I doing here as God? You’d do a much better job creating people.”
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