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I Could Never Be God


I could never be God because if I were God, I would've put Cain in a straitjacket long before he invited Abel out for a walk in a field. One minute, Cain would've been selecting his murder weapon, the next minute, he would've been wriggling on the ground like a white worm. He would've had to stay like that until Adam or Eve found him and discovered how to unbuckle buckles.

I could never be God because if I were God when Noah and his family were safe in the ark, and all of humanity were outside screaming, drowning, climbing to higher ground, and weeping, I would've thought, Gosh, this is awful! Who came up with this plan? Then I would've pulled the plug on Operation Flood Earth and given everyone a slap on the wrist instead.

I could never be God because if I were God when Satan was pointing out my blameless servant Job and asking to ruin Job's life, I would've said, "No way, Satan! Get lost! I don't converse with devils. How did you get in here anyways?" And then I would've kicked Satan out of Heaven again, and I would've very much enjoyed watching him fall.

I could never be God because if I were God when the Israelites complained in the desert that it was too hot and this journey was taking too long, that there was no meat and no water, I would've said, "You know, you're right. This is way too hard for mere humans to endure. Here, I'll take you on the coastal route. That's easier."

I could never be God because if I were God when those Old Testament kings were born, the ones who grew up to lead Israel astray by erecting Moloch altars and Asherah Poles, by oppressing the innocent and sacrificing their own sons and daughters in the fire, I would've stopped their infancy short with SIDS. They never would've made it to the throne.

I could never be God because if I were God when Jesus was on the cross, I would NOT have been able to endure it. I would've sent fire from Heaven to smite the religious leaders, and I would've vaporized the Roman soldiers, and I would've opened the ground beneath the fickle crowds to swallow them whole. I would've rescued my son right off that cross and brought him home to me. I would've shut the gates of Heaven forever on humanity. Why would I do all this to save those earthlings anyway? They don't even like me. 

Then all the people of the earth would continue worshiping their capricious unpredictable gods who stay up in the heavens far out of reach of mankind, and who would never reach down to commune with fickle, uncooperative, complaining mortals.

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