Thwarting the Lord's Messages

I was content in quarantine

Until I heard about your outings,
Then I was jealous.
And while this might've disclosed
The thinness of my contentment,
Instead, I concluded
You're self-centered and careless.

I was satisfied with my work
Until you outshone me,
Then I shrank back ashamed.
And while this might've disclosed
My works-based value system,
Instead I concluded
You're desperate for attention.

I loved everyone unconditionally
Until you criticized my views,
Then I recoiled.
And while this might've disclosed
The qualifications of my love,
Instead I concluded
You're delusional and irrational.

I thought I enjoyed serving unnoticed

Until I saw you relaxing,

Then I pitied myself.

And while this might've disclosed

My hope to be repaid,

Instead I concluded

You needed a servant's heart like mine.

I wasn't afraid of COVID
Until I realized I could be next,
Then I was frightened and frenzied.
And while this might've disclosed
My courage was dependent on my safety,
Instead I concluded
I might not be good enough for God's mercy.

Here I am thwarting the Lord's messages to me.

Where he wants to teach me to be still, I'm busy judging.

Where he wants to teach me to trust Christ's work, I'm frantically measuring.

Where he wants to fill me with his love, I'm isolating myself.

Where he wants to bring me joy, I keep working on my own steam.

Where he want me to lean into his presence, I'm trying to earn his favor.

But all glory to him who will not give up.

I am the lost sheep and the prodigal son.

He is seeking. He is calling. He is inviting.

And if I stop redirecting his messages

I'll discover yet another place where the Lord can reign.