Wanting the Ends Without the Means

I want my children to learn to get along,
But I don't want to work with them through their fights.
I want them to feel and understand their emotions,
But I don't want them to slam doors or cry for too long.
I want them to be respectful to adults,
But I don't want to be embarrassed when they're learning.
I want them to choose to obey,
But I don't want to come up with consequences when they don't.
I want them to creatively fill their own time,
But I don't want to clean up the mess when they put stickers on the walls or throw tomatoes over the neighbor's fence or cut through the upholstery with scissors.

I want them to be good.
But I don't want to suffer through their becoming good

I want a rich and seasoned relationship with my husband,
But I don't want to endure seasons of dryness or coldness or disinterestedness.
I want to have friends who are different than me,
But I don't want to hear their threatening opinions.
I want to have mutually supportive friends,
But I don't want to admit I need their support.
I want to help others,
But I don't want to feel their neediness.
I want to be in a real Christian community
But I don't want to be with a bunch of odd-ball people who don't follow Christ like I do or worship like I do or sin like I do.

I want deep relationships,
But I don't want to deepen them.

I want to be at peace in difficult situations,
But I don't want to be in the middle of difficult situations.
I want to be generous with my things,
But I don't want to worry about not having enough.
I want to love others deeply,
But I don't want to collide with other's sin that is deeply hidden within.
I want to trust God entirely,
But I don't want the rug jerked out from under my feet again and again to reveal that I wasn't standing on God at all but my own self-made dreams or ideas of goodness or plans for safety or mechanisms to measure my worth.

I want the ends without the means,
Which probably means I don't want the ends at all,
But rather, God's benefits without God,
And everlasting life without dying to myself.

And yet, this new discovery
Is no discovery to God.
He is well acquainted with humans
And their misgivings
In fact, even before I put pen to paper,
God had already reconciled my wayward heart
And provided the means of transformation
So that I could find myself at the end with him.

So may these confessions lead me again and again
To what Christ has done.
And Lord help us to accept your means 
As the way we are united with you.
Only there will we find all our wants fulfilled.

Comments

Anonymous said…
Very thoughtful and very honest, Abby. --Uncle Ed
Laura Provencio said…
Beautifully worded and so very true!!