1) I don't say what's wrong because then people may suggest things I should've done to prevent these problems. They might tell me, "Have you tried that?" or "Why didn't you do this?" And I just can't take other people's prescriptions to my problems. They don't know what it's like!
2) I don't say what's wrong because I know for a fact that so-and-so has way bigger troubles than me. How can I say I'm struggling if my troubles seem so minor compared to their troubles? I'll look like an ungrateful complainer!
3) I don't say what's wrong because these people admire and respect me, and if I tell them my problems, they might stop admiring or respecting me. They might even think that I'm just a normal person with issues like everyone else.
4) But I do say what's wrong! The problem is no one seems to understand me! Sometimes, I just stop telling people because time and time again, no one gets it.
5) If I say what's wrong, I shall start crying and I don't want to be a mess right now in front of these people. Crying is something I do only on rare occasions in private. Never in front of others. That's shameful and embarrassing.
6) I'll say what's wrong, but only to people I trust, and even then, sometimes I'm afraid my troubles might alienate me from others. What if they've never experienced anything like this and they all just stare at me like I'm some weirdo from another planet?
7) I don't talk about troubles because that's how I move on. If I talk about it, I feel like I stop my forward momentum, and I get bogged down in uncomfortable feelings and ideas. But if I just move on, I can make it no big deal.
8) I don't say what's wrong because it's nobody's business but mine. No one has a right to know what's going on inside of me. And no one can make me share either! Why don't you share first and then maybe I'll think about sharing next.
9) I don't say what's wrong because there isn't anything wrong. But if I did know what was wrong, I probably wouldn't mention it because sorting through difficulties is too involved and tedious and exhausting.
10) I don't burden others with my pain because no one wants to hear about difficulties. It drags people down. Real grown-ups handle their own problems. And I am a real grown-up. I wish other people were real grown-ups too.
"Confession in the presence of a brother is the profoundest kind of humiliation. It hurts, it cuts a man down, it is a dreadful blow to pride. To stand there before a brother as a sinner is an ignominy that is almost unbearable. In the confession of concrete sins the old man dies a painful, shameful death before the eyes of a brother. Because this humiliation is so hard we continually scheme to evade confessing to a brother. Our eyes are so blinded that they no longer see the promise and the glory in such abasement. . . In confession we break through to the true fellowship of the Cross of Jesus Christ, in confession we affirm and accept our cross. In the deep mental and physical pain of humiliation before a brother—which means, before God—we experience the Cross of Jesus as our rescue and salvation. The old man dies, but it is God who has conquered him. Now we share in the resurrection of Christ and eternal life." (Bonhoeffer, 114)
"We thank God for giving us brethren who live by His call, by His forgiveness, and His promise. . . . Even when sin and misunderstanding burden the communal life, is not the sinning brother still a brother, with whom I, too, stand under the Word of Christ? Will not his sin be a constant occasion for me to give thanks that both of us may live in the forgiving love of God in Jesus Christ? Thus the very hour of disillusionment with my brother becomes incomparably [beneficial], because it so thoroughly teaches me that neither of us can ever live by own own words and deed, but only by that one Word and Deed which really binds us together—the forgiveness of sins in Jesus Christ." (Bonhoeffer, 28)
Bonhoeffer, Dietrich. Life Together. Translated by John W. Doberstein. New York: HarperCollins, 1954.
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