I keep charging them to my credit card, these instances of kindness and patience and good listening. I know I didn't pay cash for them because I haven't had any cash in years.
And I certainly didn't use His account like He told me to. He said, "Let anyone who is bankrupt come to me. And whoever uses my account, rivers of gold will burst from their wallets." Yeah. I haven't been taking advantage of that deal. It's just not programmed into me. At the department store where the lit-up ads remind me what I need—forgiveness for that rude comment and understanding for that annoying person and gentleness when the kids are bratty—I want it all. I mean these are good things, right? I'm supposed to own these things. If I have these things, everything will be alright. Right? So I pile them into my basket and run up the credit card.
At the end of the week or sometimes even the day, the creditors come calling. "We see you've been spending borrowed money. It's time to pay up."
I show them my wallet, and they give me that knowing look before entering my front door and taking what I have. They slash through the plastic forgiveness and gentleness, rendering them useless. They empty out the bathroom of all my self-care implements. They take all the health food and the exercise machine. They take away my hearing aids and glasses, the heater and the air conditioner, my blood pressure medication and my inhaler.
When they leave, I am useless to everyone, including myself. I am numb and empty. What else can I do, but sit in front of the T.V. and let its messages wash over me until a new day returns me to my senses.
I know it doesn't need to be like this. I know I can have everything and much more by using His account. It's recognized everywhere. And it gets me the real things, not these cheap imitations that don't last more than a moment. He gives the real patience, the real forgiveness, the real love. And His products don't cost me anything. They don't leave me in a deficit either. I need only remember to stop frantically trying to produce for others' demands and instead, look in my wallet and see its emptiness. That'll remind me to use His account alright.