I've feverishly put down my name for every role.
I thought I could be the deep thinker and feeler,
The confidante and cheerleader,
The warrior and helper,
The teacher and student,
The servant and queen,
But mostly the queen.
Here I am as the perfect wife.
Here I am as the loving mother.
Here I am as the reliable sibling.
Here I am as the supportive friend.
But now I must confess
None of it was me.
I was pressing you merely
To find your weaknesses
So I could fix them
And be useful
And good
And valuable.
I was worming my way in merely
To discover how I might lift you up
And thus feel that rush,
That boast of pride welling within
Instead of the Holy Spirit.
I admit that in trying to be useful to you
I have pushed you offstage,
Been invasive and proud,
And not loved you
As much as the idea
Of me loving you.
Now I see you've no need of me,
And it exposes my emptiness within,
That I have not been filling up
With faith in what God says of me,
But rather on what I mean to you.
And I don't want to rush off
To aid a desperate mother in need of advice,
Or a new Christian just learning the bible,
Or a neighbor looking for a tip,
Or a writer just stretching her wings.
I want to resign
My role as queen,
My role as everything
I am not.
I want to get off this stage
To reacquaint myself
With the one who has been
To God what I shall never be.
I want to wake every morning
And put His identity on me
And thus be more of myself
Than I have ever been.
I apologize for not listening to you
Or loving you or knowing you.
Would you let me near again,
Not to try,
I cannot,
But to walk together
Hand in hand as equals,
Equally forgiven,
Equally learning to be
What He says we are?
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